Adoption Conference

Rod and I were able to attend a two-day FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) adoption conference a couple weekends ago, put on by LDS social services. Instead of just speculating about everything, we decided it was time to actually get some information about the adoption process.

It was a great experience. I have to say, there is something so amazing about being with people who are in the same circumstances you are. It makes you feel understood. It validates your feelings and hardships. It gives you a sense of peace to know you're not the only one dealing with these things. That was something I hadn't expected to find.

Some of the most impactful workshops were ones where we heard experiences from birth mothers and adoptive parents. Their personal experiences gave us a deep appreciation for what they had gone through and helped us gain perspective on so many things.

One such personal experience came through a re-broadcast featuring Brandon Doman (BYU football coach) who has 4 adopted children. It seemed like everything he said resonated with me but in particular when he said these adopted children are foreordained to be in certain families and that Heavenly Father is directly connected to what is happening - I had an overwhelming feeling that it was true. These children and families are coming together exactly as they were meant to.

One thing we learned a lot more about was what "open adoption" really means. For as long as I can remember the perception has been that a baby is adopted and may never even know who their birth parents are. Now it's shifting to "open adoptions" which includes contact between birth parents and the adoptive family. While some birth mothers only want minimal contact (i.e. emails and pictures) others want to be part of the child's life and have lots of contact and visits, along with the birth parent families. It all seems a bit overwhelming.

On one hand, we saw from birth mothers and adoptive families' personal experiences that it can be positive for the child and birth mother to have some kind of contact; on the other hand we saw that it can be a little complicated too - how much contact, what type of contact, how does the child understand the relationships...etc. You can see it can be a little complex.

Another thing we learned was that the birth mother chooses her adoptive family. She is given profiles to look over and decides who she wants to meet with and who to place her baby with. Over and over, however, it was clear how inspired each placement is. Many said it was one of the most spiritual experiences of their lives. Whether the case worker feels inspired to give a birth mother a particular file or the birth mother and adoptive parents both, through their own experiences, truly feel that a particular child is meant for them - it's just a reaffirmation that the Lord is directly connected to what it happening.

One surprise was the emphasis they made on networking in order to adopt, instead of just relying on the service to connect you. You would be amazed at the lengths people go, to get there name out there as a family looking to adopt. It's like facebook times a billion. It's a whole new age in adoption, I tell you.

One final thing that really impacted us came from Ardith Kapp (previous YW General President of the church). It was mentioned in a class that Sis. Kapp wasn't able to have children and adoption wasn't what they were supposed to do. We were able to get a copy of her talk and watch it at home.

It was amazing and very validating to hear her speak about the very things I have thought about myself (read address by Sister Ardith Kapp) and to know that even without children she and her husband have gone on to do wonderful things in their lives and be amazing people. It really gave Rod and I a great sense of peace to hear her story and to see that if we are to endure the same course she has, that it will be okay and we can still live happy, meaningful lives.

So what's next? There is quite a process and expense to proceed, starting with a case worker, lots of paperwork, medical reviews, and home visits. And as with invitro, there's no guarantee. After all the effort, we may never be selected by a birth mother and we know that at our age, that's a real possibility.

However, with that said, our real next step is to figure out if this is what the Lord would have us do. Like Ardith Kapp said, "The Lord will not leave us unassisted when a choice is important to our eternal welfare.”...however, "There will be times when we may feel that our desires are righteous, but the answer is still no. At that point, the only way to peace is to say, “Not my will but thine be done.”

And throughout this process, I have realized it's not all about me anyway. If it has always been the Lord's plan for us to adopt a child, then this whole time it's been about brining us to a place where we are ready; and it's about fulfilling the Lord's plan for that child; and it's about the Lord's plan for the birth parents - in a sense, we are part of fulfilling the plan for them as much as they are fulfilling the plan for us. It's all so much larger than we are.

If we are to be parents in this life, the Lord will make that possible. If we are not to be parents in this life, we will be in the next. And while we wait for that time, we have other duties to fulfill - maybe it's to influence the lives of many children, instead of few. Maybe it's still something we haven't figured out yet. But slowly I think we're getting there. :)