Figuring things out

We had a very fun Memorial weekend up in Cle Elum with our family. The air was was filled with the fragrance of sweet lilacs in bloom, the sound of sprinklers clinking in the distance and the chirping of birds and buzzing of bees. It's alway so relaxing up there, where the pace is a little slower and the air is a little clearer.

During one of many conversations with my mom and Jennifer about nothing and everything (which we love to do while sitting at the ranch), we were talking about my upcoming 40th birthday. I confessed that I wasn't looking forward to it...that I'm actually dreading it. And although it's just a number, I don't want to go there. But there's no way to stop it from coming.

Now, flash forward to yesterday. I was talking to a 2nd grader who was telling me about a dream he had the night before. He said he dreamed he was an adult. He had a beard. He was retired. And he loved how it felt. He had a dreamy look in his eye like all he wanted to do was to go back to sleep so he could relive it. Then he asked me, "how does it feel to be an adult?"

So I told him that it feels great. And that it's nice to be an adult, but I also told him there are things adults have to worry about that kids don't, like making enough money to pay bills. His response, "What are bills?" Exactly.

Then I knelt down next to him and told him that I actually wanted to be a kid again, when my worries consisted of what to wear to school, doing my homework and how long I got to play outside. He just smiled. And then he got that dreamy look in his eye again and began talking about how cool it was to have a beard and how much he wanted to be retired. It made me laugh.

So he will dream of being older and I will dream of being younger. :)

Okay, back to the conversation on the couch in Cle Elum:

We were talking about how, at nearly 40, I thought I'd be farther along in life than I am. That I'd be in a different place with children, a house, the works. I talked about the fear that I would have to live, instead of with a glorious bundle of kids, with a job I don't like and a life full of substitutions. Things I end up doing in place of what I really want to be doing.

And I realized that's why I'm scared of forty.

And then we talked about where that came from.

Everything I knew of growing up, having a family, a home, and what one does and/or has achieved when they are 40-years-old, came from watching my mother. So I went out into the world believing that's the way it would be for me. But none of it happened in that same way. So now what do I do? It's uncharted territory and I'm not sure how to do this.

Yesterday morning I ran across a talk given by Elizabeth Gilbert. I'll admit I have not read Eat, Pray, Love and probably won't, and that my spiritual beliefs are probably much different than hers, but I found an appreciation for what she was saying. Her message happened to be directed at a lot of what I have been talking about and thinking about lately.

These are some insights I got from her speech that relate to me:

We are all really just trying to figure out our own lives for the first time and none of us know how to do it.

We look to other people to help us figure our lives out because we think they might know better than we do.

We compare our lives to other people, believing they've somehow figured it out, which leaves us questioning what we're doing.

In the end, we're the ones who have to go through it and figure it out.

We can take risks and set ourselves up for disappointment and pain but risks also set us up for success and happiness.

If we choose to play it safe and never take chances or risks, we stay right where we are. And that's not progression.

And so, as my days of 39 come to a close (I know it's still 5 months away, but hopefully I'll have figured it out by the time it gets here), I will try to figure out how to look ahead with optimism. I will try to figure out how to direct my future with what I want instead of what I think I'm stuck with. And I will try to make the most of this uncharted territory by taking chances and making choices instead of merely living with substitutions.

And P.S. In case you're wondering, I'm very grateful to have Rod. He makes all of this figuring out worth while because my future is with him. xo

Wow - pretty insightful for a week day!